Lala’s Christmas

The following was posted by my Granddaughter last December while she was in Georgia, she was here for the Christmas Cruise and her man had gone off to the war.  I copied the post when she posted it because it was something from her heart, her loneliness, her sadness, the life of a military wife.  Having spent a major portion of my life in the military I can understand what she was feeling, separation  from the person you love is always bad, that is magnified during the holidays and those feeling were exposed in this post.

  

 

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

so so tired

And where are you, and what time is it, and how long until I see you, and how long until you're home?

This deployment feels like a heavy weight on my head, sitting on my chest, squishing me and hurting me and lasting a real long time. It squeezes tears from my eyes and makes me cry little sobs that make my nose run and my face turn red and my head hurt. It makes me grateful that I can type without looking at the keys because I can hardly see the screen.

 
I'm sitting in my step-sister's old bedroom, back against the door, in my jeans and socks and a shirt, feeling cold in the basement. It feels like every second pauses a little, dragging itself out, lasting for a small eternity.

 
In my head, I try to plan out my week, but it's too stressful. I don't like Christmas. Lights and greens and reds and people coming home for the holidays, but then some not coming home for the holidays. Being alone for the holidays, but not really alone, just mostly alone.

My camera lens broke today, the one Matt gave me for an early Christmas present. It was an accident, a friend somehow broke the autofocus, but still I sit here crying about it because I feel like I was irresponsible with something that Matt gave me before he left.
I just want him back, back here, holding me, telling me not to cry, we'll go to Best Buy tomorrow to get it fixed and until then, let me hold you hold you hold you until you fall asleep and the tears stop flowing and you see that I'm not leaving you alone ever ever. Except that I will have to leave you alone when my country calls, and I must go to protect those brave men fighting on the ground, fighting for freedom with courage and a little fear, but fighting still. And I will keep those men safe from those things that would hurt them, seek to harm them; I will fly above them, thinking of you, but doing this service for them and also for you, but so far from you.

Here I thought that writing it all out would make the tears stop flowing but they keep falling, and I think ahead to this week, and I worry about packing my suitcase, because on the way from Seattle to here, it was 9lbs overweight, and they wanted to charge me $30 extra unless I fit the 9lbs into my carry on. Which I did, but it made my carry on way too heavy and I couldn't lift it into the overhead. And I'm worried because my flight leaves so early and I'm not sure how I'm getting to the airport because I'm not good at driving at night. And if I do make it, then I worry that my flight will be canceled when I get to my layover because of bad weather at my final destination, and then I'll be stranded in another state with no way to get home.

I just want Matt here to tell me that we'll figure it out together, that I've been strong for a while now but I can stop trying to be brave and just relax into his strength and let him handle all these hard things that are sitting on my chest, hurting me and worrying me and making me cry tonight.

Please excuse me, I'm not being a "MILITARY WIFE" tonight, I'm just being me, and I'm so so tired of being without him.

The following is 2 of 22 comments.

Sarge Charlie said...

The sad part is that regardless of how much we would like to take your pain away, it is impossible. It is always worse during the holidays and you will feel some relief after they pass. I did spend some Christmases separated from you grandmother and the kids, it is always hard but you just have to buck up and get past this time, he will be home soon……

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i read this earlier and had to wait to comment to get my thoughts together. you said exactly what i felt, but many years ago. i am so sorry he is not there. and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better until he walks through the door again. but i am so happy you have him and his love. i love you honey.
grammy
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

What the Old Sarge has to say about that:  Yep, little girl, you were sad, you were lonely, you were angry, and it is all over now and look how fast you forget all that lonely stuff.